How Inconsistency Creates Insecurity

 

I have been reading articles lately about how inconsistent parenting creates insecurity within children.  As someone who received multiple childhood wounds from inconsistent parenting, I had to do a lot of work to re-parent myself and heal my own insecurity.  But even after all that work, there is still one inherent truth about me (and about my clients who deal with the same issue) that can’t be “blamed” on parental behavior.

Everyone is designed to experience inconsistency in life.

When you look at the Human Design blueprint you can see that there are colored in areas and white areas.  All of the white areas within the body graph are places where outside energies are experienced within us in inconsistent ways.  The energies of the people in our environment come and go through these undefined centers, and it is often felt very deeply. Then as people come and go, so does the energy that we feel and experience.

Open GA good example of this can be seen in the open or undefined G / Identity center (circled in blue on the chart to the left).  This is the diamond in the center of the chest of the Human Design body graph. It is the center for love, identity and direction.  When it is white / undefined, the person’s experiences of love and sense of themselves change according to who they are around.  So if they are not grounded in a deep level of self-love, they will develop a habit of looking outside of themselves for love.  This can take the form of over sensitivity to criticism, or perhaps even love addiction.  Their insecurity about their own lovability may have some roots in how they were parented, but even after all of the healing and re-parenting, a person with an undefined G center will still struggle with feelings that they are not loved.

This particular body graph displays a lot of open areas where inconsistency can create different types of  insecurities.  The purpose of being designed this way is not so that you can go through life feeling bad about yourself.  A design with a lot of openness points to a person who has the potential to be very intuitive. Those open areas are for sensing and feeling out the vibe around you, so that you can connect more deeply with people and your environment.  But most people who aren’t aware of this dynamic go through life trying to hold onto certain aspects of life which are meant to be fluid for them. And they never get to experience the gift that comes when their they can embrace their natural inconsistencies.

Do you want to learn more about overcoming insecurity?  

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What Does Mom Have to Do With It? – Self-Love and Beyond

 

mother giftThere is an emerging theme in my Human Design and life coaching practice that I want to share with you.  It has to do with mom.  Who in the world of personal development and self healing has not looked at their mother issues … right?  But before you go rolling your eyes at the prospect of rehashing your childhood wounds, please stick around to consider a shift in perspective which could take you to a much deeper level of love and compassion for yourself.  My clients have been making this shift and you can too!

Our mothers are among the first people who condition us… meaning that their consistent energy patterns deeply influence us before we are even born.   From the time that we are in the womb they have a profound energetic influence on us.  If you look at your mother’s Human Design chart and compare it with your chart you will see how she has conditioned you.

Look at where she has colored in areas in her chart that you don’t have.   These are her fixed characteristics that you took in since the time before your birth and perhaps experienced them as your own.  This is where you may be living your mother’s truth rather than your own.  The conditioning of acting out characteristics that aren’t yours causes a significant amount of suffering.  When you act in ways that aren’t you without knowing it, your life feels out of balance. There is always a struggle to compensate for or cover up perceived flaws that aren’t really flaws at all.  The struggle to compensate and cover up leads you away from loving and embracing yourself as you truly are.  Nothing stands in the way of consciously cultivating self-connection more than living from your mother’s script.

Here is an example of these dynamics which I hope will make this a little clearer for you:

mother daughter

Worth and Lovability

The daughter in this example has taken several opportunities over the past year to heal her relationship with her mother.  It was a relationship where she felt unloved and unrecognized.  She initially felt like she couldn’t voice her feelings and be validated, and she also struggled with setting boundaries.  There are several things in their charts which would point to this dynamic, such as the difference in their energy types and the conditioning forces from a few of her mother’s defined centers.  The one I want to point out now is the one which is circled in their two charts.  This is the heart/will/ego center (we’ll call it the will center from now on just to simplify).  The mother has this center defined, therefore she has a fixed sense of willpower and worth.  People with a defined will center have a profound influence on the self-worth of those around them.  Others around them (with an undefined will) will either feel extremely good about themselves or not, depending on the fixed ways that the person with the defined will center experiences worth and value.

So imagine you’re the daughter in this case with the undefined will center … and also an undefined identity center (the white triangle to the upper left of the will).  The daughter’s undefined will, from as early as 3 months before her birth, was being conditioned by her mother’s defined will center.  This influenced the daughter in the way she would claim her value in the world.  And with the daughter’s undefined identity center she took in this false sense of her value (because it came from her mother) and reacted to it by feeling unloved and uncared for.

When we first worked together, the daughter focused intensely on cultivating a conscious connection with herself by following her strategy, listening to her inner authority and reflecting on her truth.  This lead her to have some beautiful interactions with her mother which not only cleared the air but allowed the daughter to claim her power.  As time has progressed and the daughter has continued her personal inner work, she now finds herself in the position of caretaker for her mother.  Her mother, having the defined will and resisting the process of surrendering control, has presented some challenges where the daughter has had to set strong boundaries.  Because the daughter has moved past questioning her value and lovability, she has been able to set those boundaries by staying aware and trusting her own timing.

The Gift of Conditioning

If you have ever been through processes to try and heal your issues with your mother, you know that the focus is often on overcoming the damage that was done to you.  What if there was no damage?  What if the first conditioning that you experienced through your mother was actually a gift to help you understand how you are treating yourself?  What if your mother’s conditioning actually held clues to how you have mislead yourself into believing that you are less powerful, less loved, less worthy than you really are?  By looking at your mother’s chart in the context of your own, you can unravel and re-balance your relationship with yourself at a deeper level.  You can understand and open up to the gifts you received from her with compassion that you have never experienced before.  And you may even heal your relationship with your mother.  

Do you want the kind of self-love that moves you beyond healing and into wholeness?  Work with Sandy Freschi

Is Neediness Ever Ok?

 

In our society which values self-made success through the grit of rugged independence, the thought of being needy or dependent on another has become taboo.  In previous posts we talked about how it’s not wise for most people to “just go out and do it” … to initiate actions without first waiting for the support to appear to facilitate the opportunity.  As we move from the energy of January which makes us feel like we “should” start something new, we turn our attention (or at least I like to turn my attention) to the theme of love and relationships in February.  And when it comes to starting something new, the most overlooked factor which determines success, is the way in which we open up to the relationships which support our ability to thrive and move forward in life.

In this post we will look at the Human Design chart to discover how most of us need other people for success, satisfaction and the fulfillment of our life’s callings.  Unfortunately many of us learned somewhere along the way that it’s not ok to let another person or people complete you.  It’s not ok to accept help when you can do it all on your own.  It is a sign of weakness to have needs.  In fact  neediness is equated with being impoverished, deficient, disadvantaged or even destitute.  Certainly these are definitions in the extreme, but it is these definitions which compel us to deny the simple fact that we need other people to thrive.  … the right other people at the right time … I might add.  The Human Design chart points to aspects of the human condition where it is necessary for us to connect with each other in order to have the right types of energy necessary to bring our creations to life.  Let’s look at two common examples from the body chart which indicate an energetic need for other people.


Non Motorized Throat

Have you ever tried to complete a project that you just couldn’t get off the ground?  Did it feel like you were slogging through mud or pushing a wet noodle uphill?  Did you run out of energy, resources, direction or motivation to go forward?body graph motorized energy to the throat  What did you do from there?  Did you give up or forget about it?  Did you beat yourself up because you just didn’t have the oomph to keep going?  Did you wonder what was wrong with you?  Most likely you didn’t have the motorized energy you needed all by yourself to keep going.  This is where other people come in.  When you are living according to your energy type’s strategy and decision making authority you find yourself among the right people who have the types of energy you don’t have to help you get your projects out into the world.

When we look at energy flow in the Human Design chart, we look to see what types of energies, via the themes of the gates and channels,  move from one of the motorized energy centers to the throat.  The throat center,  as with the throat chakra of the Hindu chakra system, is the center for expression.  It is where we get energy out of us and into the world to birth our impulses into reality.  This energy comes up from any of the 4 motorized centers and moves up to the throat via a channel or system of channels which run from the motorized center to the throat.  In this body graph you can see that the person has no full channels going from a motorized center (the energy centers circled in blue) to the throat.  So he needs other people with the types of energy he doesn’t have to help him manifest, create and achieve tangible results in his life. The yellow lines with the arrows pointing to the throat show you some possible connections via other people’s energy channels which would activate his manifestation capability.


Split Definition

Remember in the movie Jerry Maguire when Tom Cruise told Renee Zellweger “You complete me”?  I used to think that was complete crap until I had to own up to and accept the reality that I actually need other people to complete me as well.Human Design chart split definition  All my life I ran around trying to hide the feeling of being incomplete from others.  At times it felt like I was two different people with two different sets of desires.  And in fact, in some ways I am.  It was shameful to me to feel like I needed others to feel whole.  And this shame pushed me deeper into a prison of fake independence and further away from the interdependence which was essential for me to thrive.

While it is true that one must be emotionally mature and whole to keep interdependence from imploding into co-dependence, the fake sense of wholeness that I hid behind kept me from fully maturing into the two complete and consistent aspects of me that won’t ever connect without the energies of others.  When you look at my chart you see that there is an aspect of me that is very mental and constantly thinking in abstract ways.  Then there is another aspect of me way down at the bottom which instinctual and corrective.  I experience this split as abstract, intellectual, thinking me vs no-thought, in the moment, be-ing me.  And meanwhile I need others with the energy to work consistently, emote creatively, provide direction through invitation to name a few, to actually help me get these two aspects to meet in some meaningful way.  In other words I do best in a whole community of the right people to help me connect my split so I can function as a fully integrated person.


Youre so cool

Are your feeling incomplete in some way?  Do you wonder what’s wrong with you or fight against your natural tendency to seek others out for solace and support?  If you’re feeling broken because you can’t seem to manifest a life which fully supports you, stop now and relax .  You’re not broken!  You may genuinely be in need of other people to assist you where you don’t have the energy to do it yourself.  The gift in that is that you bring energy to other that they do not have so that they too can create, express, manifest and feel whole. You embody a unique set of abilities which are reflected in your Human Design body graph.  Many of those abilities are waiting to pair up with the abilities of others.  When you we come together we all get our needs met.

Want to know how to get your needs met to manifest your dreams, feel whole and reach your full potential?  Consider a Human Design Reading.

Self-Love Moment:  Let’s take a moment to release the societal shame which pushes us into acting as though we must do it all by ourselves.  Take a big deep breath and release the “Tyrant of Do it Yourself”.  Take another deep breath and allow the loving feeling of support to surround and cocoon you from all sides.  This is what it’s like to rely on the community of others for your success.  Let yourself feel supported.  Let you heart open and surrender to the understanding that you were never meant to do it all alone.

 

Cultivating Love While You Wait

 

Ok I’m a couple of days early, but I just can’t wait any longer.  For the entire month of February we will explore the many aspects of love and relationships.  When you find yourself in the sacred waiting space of change it is a place where you can uplevel your relationship with yourself and others by cultivating deeper self-love and understanding.  There is so much that Human Design has to say about love and the ways that we have been drawn away from the profound depths of lovelet love be in the air that we can have for ourselves … that we must have for ourselves … to be the truest expression of our uniqueness.  There is even more that Human Design has to say about our potential to experience love with another… whether it be a romantic partner, our children, friends or colleagues.  It is within the context of others that many of us discover ourselves, our places yearning for wholeness, and our true power.

As you can see we can set of in several different directions.  I have some ideas, but I want to take you in the direction you want to go.  What are the obstacles which keep you from deeper levels of love?  Please take a moment to let me know in the comment box below.

How to Set Goals When You’re Looking for a Change (Part 2)

In last week’s post we talked about the challenge of setting goals when you’re in the midst of big life changes.  We talked about the SMART model of goal setting and why this linear model can actually paralyze your progress when you’re responding to the callings of your soul.  I suggested that the one thing that you can extract from the SMART goal setting model which will assist your  life change is to examine whether the changes you desire are relevant to your life’s vision and values.  But even your values and life vision may shift in the process of you making changes to excavate your true nature.  While it’s useful to examine what you value and to refine your vision as you go, it’s counter productive to get too attached to the vision that you have right now or the values that you think you hold true.  You’re on a path of self discovery and part of the discovery process is to allow yourself to become aware of what you may be holding on to that really isn’t yours.

If your life is working for you then the rest of what I have to say is probably not going to interest you much.  This is for the ones of you who are in the midst of some changes because you have had a wake up call or two.  You probably know what they are, but just in case you’re not sure just look at what you’re struggling with right now that is creating a desire for a change … relationship stagnation, career crisis,  health issues, and whatever is making you yearn for more, easier or better from your life.

coordinatesYou have inner coordinates for opening up to your life in a new way.  This new way of being with yourself is actually the change you seek.  Ultimately this new, more authentic way of being, leads you to sit back and enjoy the ride of your life without feeling like you need to second guess your every move.  It’s about the freedom to be a more accurate expression of yourself, regardless of how you were raised, what your family says and what the voices in your head say about how you should be.  It’s not about the career or the relationship.  And your health, well that’s in great part, a reflection of what’s going on inside.  Your desire for change is the desire to know you and be you in all your uniqueness and glory.  A great starting point for this type of self discovery is to understand and release all the influences which keep you from being who you really are.  These influences are known in Human Design as conditioning.

Be Who You Are … Not Who You Think You Are

 

A key to understanding how you have been conditioned to not be fully who you are is to look at your Human Design chart.  When you look at a copy of your Human Design Chart you see that there are areas in your chart that are colored in and areas that are white.  Let’s take a look at some typical examples of conditioning which keep you from being who you really are.

A Chart

The colored in areas in the chart are the areas where you consistently experience the energies and themes which they represent.  The white areas are where you have an unlimited potential to experience those energies and themes.  But these areas also indicate where you are being influenced or conditioned by others around you.  This conditioning process is unavoidable.  It’s actually desirable when you’re aligned with your true nature.  It’s how you get information, energy and support from people around you which moves you forward in your life.  But if you’re not aware that you have these open (white) areas where you’re taking in other people’s information and energy then you tend to “think” that these things you experience (which aren’t really yours) are part of your identity.  Can you see how this would throw you off track to living and expressing your truth?  If not, bear with me here.  Let’s look at an example from this Human Design chart to illustrate the point.

 

Undefined Will/Heart Center: Willpower & Proving Worth

Human Design chart undefined will

The energy center circled in blue on this chart is known as the heart or will center.  It is the center where you either have a fixed sense of will power and worth if it’s colored in, or you don’t if it’s white or undefined as it is here.  When you experience conditioning forces through the undefined will center you typically think you have the willpower to carry through goals regardless of whether they are right for you or not.  But somewhere in the middle of your efforts you will lose your motivation.  Think about how many new years resolutions fizzle out before February hits.  That’s a classic example of people with an undefined will center thinking that they have the willpower to make a permanent change when they don’t.  Changes aren’t meant to be made by sheer force of will.  In fact for most people, lasting change depends very much on being able to wait and trust that the right people and opportunities will come along in the perfect time to assist you in exactly the way you need to be assisted.

The other thing that can happen when you’re not aware of the conditioning forces on your undefined will center is that you will tend to doubt your worth or the worth and value of those around you.  This dynamic can look like low self esteem or perhaps even an over inflated ego.  Sometimes you can fluctuate between the two, depending on who you’re around and how they value your presence.  The next time you watch a cologne commercial, notice how the marketing is geared toward manipulating your sense of worth… “Buy this cologne so you will smell good and be worthy of the attraction of others.”

Most of the planet is not endowed with a consistent sense of willpower (defined will center), but most people think they have it.  The result of acting on willpower that you don’t innately have is that you may not be able to follow through on the goals that you set for yourself, especially if you set them without the awareness of who you really are and what is truly correct for your life.

A Goal That You Can Set and Achieve

When you embark upon the self discovery process of cultivating awareness by exploring your Human Design, you begin the seven year process of deconditioning.  This means that your experimentation with your strategy and inner decision making process will lead you into the awareness which helps you cultivate the most authentic expression of your life experience.  And over the course of seven years, as you align and live more fully as yourself, your cells will reflect the chemistry that supports your optimal state of being.

So what if you set this one goal for yourself which will ultimately lead you to the deep changes you desire? … In seven years you can be living a life which expresses the truth of your soul’s deepest desires.

You’re invited to get started with a Human Design Reading.